I notice things about myself every once in a while, things that surprise me. "What??? Am I like that? I don't like that kind of thing, how could that be me?" So what I just noticed was how chaotic my life is. I don't like chaos...but apparently I only notice external chaos and ignore my own. Something held up a little mirror to me this morning and I saw it."Post cancer" was supposed to be a return to a life of predictable order but I realized that there is no such thing. I can force it all I want but the cosmos has a different agenda. So I thought about Eckhart Tolle's mission to teach us to live in the moment and realized that that would help me feel more balanced....if only I could slow down.
......And there's the catch! He was comically addressing this very issue that people put off being in the now. Here's roughly the idea: "I don't want to be in the now. It's too stressful and I don't like it there. I'm going to wait until the future when things are better; then I'll be in the now." That totally cracked me up. "I'll be in the now in the future." That's so so me! Yet when I read words like that, it never occurs to me that he is speaking directly to me.
So I'm back to square one. Slow down. Breathe.
