crossing the fingers

I have reason to believe that the cursor problem disappeared. I didn't do anything specific to address it, either. However, I have started using a lap tray once again and once I did, the cursor problem disappeared. So thanks, Bernie, I may be home free. I still want new laptop, though.

The project is very much winding down. The cement projects are done as of one minute ago. Unfortunately Dan has an appointment today which means finding a way to get him out of the house that doesn't involve going over little cliffs of new sidewalk nor making wheelchair grooves in the driveway. I swear, once this year is over we are both going to be unbreakable. This has been way harder than I thought it would be. And then I think about how much harder it has to be for Dan and I just about collapse.

For example, he now has a big walk-in shower but found out it's hard to use it because he doesn't have the right equipment to get into the damn shower. It's almost comical how just when we've celebrated and taken a big sigh of relief we realize there are still a few more steps. Unbelievable.

However, with the ramps and new driveway he will be able to get out a lot more and I'm hoping to get him a lot of bodywork done. Starting today, Pat O'Rourke at 2:45. She's an injury massage specialist. We want lots more too...yoga, Bowen-work, Reiki, Jin-shin.

Yep, I went through this entire post without one cursor bounce. Hallelujah.

Go Michelle. Go Barack!

trying again

I'm testing today. Will the paragraph thing work or not? Will my keyboard behave or not?..... No, the paragraphs still don't work. So I'll make this short: Things are OK in Olympia with getting used to a wheelchair life and remodeling the house. Neither is easy or fun, but not lethal. We'll get through it. Many of the challenges will disappear once all the construction is done. We are finally getting a taste of heat wave. Up to now, we've lurked on the fringe of the almost nation-wide heat wave/drought. We got to 94 yesterday and it will be hotter today but we know it could be a lot worse. And besides, on Monday it goes back to being just a regular summer. Which in Washington is pretty awesome. And now that I've completed 2 paragraphs, which you won't see because the return thing doesn't make paragraphs anymore...I've discovered that my keyboard is still flighty. Literally...I'll be typing along and all of a sudden notice that my cursor decided to move locations. Too aggravating to write much.

catch a break

The new blogspot has been a little crazy-making. Took me a while to get used to the new locations of all my favorite buttons, but what really bugged me was that hitting the return key no longer made a paragraph. It does on one of my other blogs, but not this one. So I looked it up and found the html command for line break...and it works!

Tomorrow is my day to go to Olympia and go to appointments. One of the appointments is with the contractor for the garage conversion. I think by the end of our talk we might have a timeline to start and complete the conversion. It's pretty exciting!

Dan's energy is like a roller coaster these days. One day he'll be the old Dan, sitting up and talking til late at night. The next day he'll be sleeping all day. One of the nurses said it has to do with the red and white blood cells. I didn't quite understand but think maybe they're in catch-up mode like the rest of his body. Some days he'll have more of one and less of the other? Anyway, I asked if Dan would be like his old self after all the catch-up is done. The guy said he'd actually be better. Very cool, he deserves it!

Connecting

What a world we live in...I really do love it, warts and all, but it still catches me off-guard when I realize I'm having a true connection with someone in a blog or a text. Or a facebook post. People say it's shallow and "what happened to face-to-face? what happened to letters?" Yeah, I miss letters and would much rather make someone a cup of tea and show them my poppy bushes

while we're catching up, but the truth is, without all the techno options, I would lose touch very quickly. That became vivid a few minutes ago when I read two meaningful comments to my most recent post. Blog-writing is, for most people, a writing exercise....we tell ourselves that it doesn't "matter if no-one else is reading it, that the act of writing is what really counts." Hah! How many times I've said that and then get depressed when months go by without a peep. No wonder I quit blogging for so long. Faint-hearted I am.

Bernie, it meant a lot to read that you procrastinate too, and that when I write it helps you somehow. In turn, that helps me. Maybe that can be a new definition of 'connection': you help me when i help you. Kind of like namaste: I honor the part of you that is the same as that which is in me.

And Rick...I bow to the way you transformed our meager shared window of time into something poetic. One experiences the hurricane, the other experiences the outcome of the hurricane and yet we're the same.

Many thanks to both of you.

And now for a little news from our neck of the woods. Dan's left leg is the new rock star. It regained mobility without Dan even knowing it. The other day Dan was shifting position in bed and his right leg unbent and shimmied to the center like a good scout, but we were pretty used to that. Then I smiled and told his left leg to move, too. (I pretend I'm the one responsible for training the feet and toes to start moving.) When it did I was completely shocked, my mouth fell open and I almost cried. I looked up at Dan and asked "Do you realize what you just did???" He smiled a little and said he actually didn't know. I took a picture of his two legs, now perfectly parallel, to prove to him what he'd accomplished. It was such a surprise to both of us that he could do something and not know it. The doctor explained later that sensation often returns after function has been present for a while. Huh.

As most of you know, Dan has been a ray of sunshine with the staff in his unit. They say he's funny...bubbly...refreshing. Well, in the last few days he just doesn't care if he's bubbly or not! He's getting cranky more, and it's about time, too. He's been here a long time and things haven't gotten easier yet. I'm the same way...used to have lots of cheery energy but not now. Now we're back on earth, no longer in the clouds, dreaming our way back to the old ways. Reality is in our face, big time. This kind of mood actually makes us more productive so I'm thankful we got to this place.

Speaking of thankful. We have so many, many friends, family and medical folk to be thankful for that I couldn't list them all. Phone calls with dear people who listen and then listen some more. People who've made some meals so I don't live on Coke and chocolate. All the angels who push Dan to greater heights and who then make him more comfortable. But of all of them, I really have to give Lara a big special public hug for being here so often for both Dan and for me. On his last day of radiation she brought us a chocolate shake and a salted caramel chocolate and bergamot sundae from Molly Moon's. Only she would think of that! Some days she comes in and just starts massaging Dan so he can relax. Yesterday she and I had a day of pampering....in between getting her car fixed and going to the bank, etc., we managed to get a pedicure at Frenchy's, a massage at Cortiva, and a doughnut at Top Pot. Oh, and dinner at Siam Thai Cuisine. What an amazing partner in life she is. Thank you over and over, Lara.

What is normal?

Normal is such a funny word. It absolutely means nothing but we use it so often. It seems to come up in my life where I've lost my balance, lost perspective, when I want to have normalcy. So I use some internal compass to point me in the direction of a comfortable and safe pillow. Sad to say, I now see how important it was to me to retreat to soft places, avoiding the hard facts and requirements of a well-represented life. Dan and I were a team, both of us intent on building an easy life. I see that now. Not sure that's very admirable. I remember a guy from New York who came to a party my parents had. He stood in the kitchen, arguing that New York was the ideal place to live. He was attending University of Hawaii but decried the life in Honolulu...we didn't have all-night deli's he said. So we had 2 normals...his was NY, mine was Honolulu. However, he also said something I never forgot...that it's important to always have something to fight against. for some reason he thought friction and conflict were more important than easy. So now I'm in this situation with Dan where he has a huge adjustment to make. It won't be easy. It's change. So Dan and I failed in our attempt to avoid change by creating a routine. It gave us a sense of security, but look at us now...all that ease and comfort is gone. I'm an optimist and believe that in time, we will feel safe and secure again, but I sure don't like the transition. It's like a rough sea that I have to cross with no help, no boat, and no oars. But silly me, I have an army of help...amazing people who show up when I need them, who have answers to questions I haven't even asked yet. Yet I feel so isolated....why? Why think about what normal means? I think it has to do with that knowledge that in one second your whole life can land in another universe.

We suddenly have only the unfamiliar to traverse. Yet that terrain becomes "normal" after a while. What happens to our brain, mind and body in those 2 states? When life is easy and comfy maybe we are wasting away. Maybe friction is truly the better goal than comfort. My proof is looking at Dan and me these last few weeks. We've created new and resilient personalities, we've learned so so much about how life is for a whole other group of people. People we would never have met in our safe little cocoon. Enough of that. Bernie...thanks for the encouragement to write. I am perfectly aware that writing clears my head, but I procrastinate. That's a whole other subject. Here's an update: Dan has 4 more radiation treatments and some more rehab. His right leg is getting frisky and the left leg is catching up! It's exciting to see. His discharge date has been changed to end of June. House modifications haven't begun but are at least in planning stage and in the hands of a very able contractor...what a huge relief.

Days at Seattle VA

Don't feel like writing a complete history...last post had the prequel and today is sort of a sequel, but the major drama is still too large to blog about. Dan ended up with cancer and paralysis (partial) which I can write more about later. Today though, I want to just say I'm more uptight than I'd like to be. And feel way more disorganized than I'd like to be. When I have a significant accomplishment I breathe a huge sigh of relief thinking that perhaps I really can get something done. Like yesterday, I actually got some appointments made for contractors to come work on the bathroom, to widen the door for wheelchair access. Today was big...I combined all my to-do lists into one. I don't get far without a to-do list. This is a little like what I'd probably experience on a tightrope: can't afford to look at the end of the rope because I need to keep my focus on each step, one at a time. Yet I can never tell how far away the end is, nor how many decisions need to be made. It's a huge cauldron of tasks, unknowns, resources people, Dan's progress and minutes in a day. (Yes, these are the kinds of "projects" I enjoy but this one is way bigger than I'm used to!) (@$^^*&!* my paragraphs all blended into one.) Dan had his first radiation treatment today and has 21 more. Yesterday he saw the surgeon for his first follow-up. All was well...good progress. In the past week he's begun moving toes, then feet, then legs. Sometimes the actual movement is microscopic but what's cool is it's a little better each day.

Wanderings and catch-up

Too much pressure (self-inflicted) to write every day. I like this better: just start writing when I'm in the mood and stop when I run out of mood. Or out of musings.

The sun is shining, the red door is open and Molly is basking in the warm streaming sunblast. Well, she's also in neighborhood watch mode. There are entirely too many people who take walks on our street and she's always read to bark them into oblivion. To say nothing of the cat parade. This is a true cat street but not a cat house and Molly is going to keep it that way.

My young plants are doing a spring thing, getting those soft little light green leaves that you can't see when they first come out unless you get real close. I go out the door every day and do a slow 180 to measure leaf progress. It's really beautiful how the green dots puff out a little more every day. I definitely love the plants in full bloom but I have a soft spot for new growth so this time of year is special.

My own re-growth is going well. Shoulder surgery is great! So is physical therapy...it's magic what they all do! I am partially awesome at doing my exercises so my healing is rapido!

Dan, on the other hand, has a mysterious band of pain around his torso that makes it hard to cough, sneeze or breathe hard. If he does any of those things he says he sees stars...I sometimes see his tears when he does it. After he had that problem for a few months, gradually increasing, then his lower body went numb. And he can't walk very well. He goes to the VA for medical care but is considering getting another kind of insurance. Not that they aren't any good, they just aren't appropriately fast. He's finally getting his MRI in a week...thank goodness.

I am having a good day. I'm sitting on my big fat couch with a sweet little black dog nestled up against me. (She alternates between front door and couch.) To complete this tableau there is also on the couch: graham crackers, Nutella, newspaper, books (Heal Your Life, Timothy-or notes of an abject reptile, and the Body Ecology Diet), the April Real Simple. That's kinda my psyche in a nutshell, actually. If one can judge a book by its cover, can one also judge a person by what's on their couch?

Hey...I love my new Kindle. I'd not wanted one before this, for 2 reasons. One, the traditionalist in me said "only paper books will do." I genuinely love my paper books and assumed no other kind would do. Turns out I can have both. Who knew? Two, I don't like to spend money on books very often and once again made the assumption that that was my only option with a Kindle. Well, I didn't have to look very far to start finding tons of free stuff. Now my K-library has a super cross-section of books: my usual mysteries, some beautiful poetry, a lot about Buddhism, and I'm starting a collection of essays. Turns out I am more likely to read the non-mysteries when they are so easy to click on. I probably have a little bit of a short attention span (huh) which I'm now realizing keeps me from picking up other books. Sounds odd maybe, but it's really true. Now without having to get out of bed and search for some other kind of book, I can just click on "home" and, like a kid in a candy store, I scan the many titles and pick whatever strikes my fancy.

OK, I really do have a lot to do but it was fun chewing the fat.